A Fresh Start

What's up Family?

So last night I was on the internet on all hip hop dot com, staying up on what's current in Hip Hop as I regularly do and I had a flashback so to say. I was taken back to 6 years ago when I first gave my life to Christ. Back then when I first started walking in the faith me and my wife gave up EVERYTHING, and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING! Family, friends, habits, tv, music, activities you name it and we turned our backs on it and walked away from it. But every now and again I would sneak on the computer and look at all hip hop. I would do it secretly full of shame and condemnation, like a porn addict looking at porn.

You see at that time I was a new born babe in the faith, and I knew absolutely nothing at all! I had NO idea of all the pain and turmoil the next 6 years would bring my way. You see I feel as if I have been raped, molested and screwed by the "church" and "doctrine" time and time again. We back at that time were members of a prosperity church where we were indoctrinated with lies. Which amplified my religiousness and hypocritical-ness. I was super religious, full of insecurities, acceptance issues, pain, confusion, distortion and more! Looking for a father in my pastors who always seemed to let me down, seeking things that God never promised to any of us. Walking a long hard walk!!!

Thru these years God has walked me thru most of all these things, clearing my sight, freeing me, teaching me grace, allowing me to be able to trust Him and showing me that He and ONLY He is a father to the fatherless. He has been slowly but surely picking up all these pieces that have been broken and taken from me. The innocence I had as a new believer that I feel was snatched from me.

As I sat at that computer last night and had that flashback I felt as if God said, "You are starting all over from there. Before all the non sense came into the picture. When you were fresh and void of the doctrine of man and their folly. You are starting over."

That blew me away! Especially when I think about all that I've learned in and during this time. I've learned that God is my Father, to look to, trust in and depend on Him and Him ONLY- NOT MAN! To not just take what people say but test and weigh it before I accept it, to not just accept cliches from people and not to speak that to people. To not be fake but to be me without all the christianese. God knows the real me, and He accepts the real me. I don't have to hide or conceal anything at all! BIG or small......

I'm me, melancholy, my emotional disposition is pessimistic but hey it's all good! God loves me the same! That's how I'm made, I have good days, I have bad days, so be it. I'm me and that's all I can be.

He started me over and with a lot of wisdom and insight on what to do, and what to avoid. And it's not All Hip Hop! HAHA

But I read something from Job out of the message that spoke along the lines of how I felt/feel.

Job 42:5-6 (Message)

"I admit I once lived by rumors of You, now I have it all first hand- from my own eyes and ears! I'm sorry- forgive me. I'll never do that again, I promise! I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor."

Nope! I'm starting off fresh and seeking God and Him alone.

God is dope,

Israel